Guest Post – Tell Me Again, But In Your Blog Voice RAWR!
My husband, who takes on the persona of Stanley Dimitrious, a vampire and other things, while visiting blogland – I don’t know why so don’t ask – has written a little post offering advice to Husbands and Partners of Book Bloggers. I laughed until I cried while reading it! But just a little warning before you continue, the content is definitely a man’s point of view and can be seen as a little er…crass. But then again, you guys read the same books I read so it shouldn’t bother you in the least. 😉
As an expert in female behavior I feel obligated to chime in from time to time on YMaKAC to give guidance and to educate the masses. Julie often forgets that as a 1000 year old Vampire / Playboy / Orator / Pool boy I’ve seen and learned a lot from life experiences. Today, I’m going to go over what woman say versus what they mean but with a twist. For all the book blogger husbands / wives / sexy partners this is all about what a book blogger says and what they really mean.
Now I know what you’re probably thinking: How on earth have I possibly deciphered the cryptic truth behind what a woman actually means when she speaks. The answer is simple: Tons of research, Video surveillance in the bedroom, bathroom and the hair salon from down the road and spy operations where I was disguised as a cedar bush. On that awkward note, let’s review my findings.
“There’s this book I need you to get after work. It’s put aside under your name”
Let’s face it. We’ve all been put in that situation where we need to fetch the book smut like a trained German shepherd. It’s not fun because usually I just want to get home and have a sandwich but this, my friends is the closest thing to being asked to bring the “One Ring” to Mordor from your book blogging partner.
There are several ways to handle the book pick up from the store. For men, you have to understand that 99.9% of the book covers WILL embarrass you. A shrubbery disguise is useful in many cases but it will draw too much attention to you in the store.
I’ve dropped the “It’s not for me, it’s for a friend” line a few times to the young teenage girl behind the cash all in an effort to hold onto the man card. It’s when the cashier goes “Is this the one?” and brandishes some half naked dude in a kilt for all the other customers to see. “Yeah that’s right bitch, this is called married man with kids scoring major points right here!” is what I’m thinking as I do my best to appear nonchalant and cool. “Yeah that’s the one” I’ll say and I try to avoid eye contact as I flee the store with my tail between my legs.
- You must fulfill the request.
- You will feel embarrassed.
- Avoid eye contact.
- You may receive oral sex or actual sex as a reward but will most likely pick up a temporary shunning order as the book blogger will want to read the new book.
“I’m really enjoying this BDSM book for some reason… I don’t normally read this but it’s really hot”
Finally all those trips to the book store may actually be paying off. This statement is more of an invitation into a realm your partner is hinting at. Now, depending on how fast your book blogger partner reads will determine the window of opportunity you have here. I’ve once waited too long only to have Julie pick up some emotional story immediately following the hot book which resulted in a conversation about feelings which then migrated to responsibilities… Mainly my lack of around the house responsibilities… “Fuck feelings!” and there goes the erection (sad panda face).
What you need to do is act on this immediately, preferably within 12 hours of the statement. If you can act on it right away I suggest that course of action. The trick is to not go all out right away. Start with a bit of “rough play” and work your way into rolling pins and spatulas. Make sure your bedroom ceiling is strong enough to suspend ropes and chains. Toss a blindfold onto your partner and be the DOM. If done correctly and quickly you could be in for some major couple self exploration.
- Act immediately.
- Avoid feelings.
- Use a gradual progression to total dominance
- Replace your rolling pin and spatula
- You will receive oral sex and actual sex and may be instructed to “put it where you want” <- Epic win
“Oh, in the book I’m reading there’s… [PLOT DETAILS]”
The worst part of this is that she’s got a smile from ear to ear telling me all about the book. Nothing against the author, but as someone who’s not as engaged with these kinds of stories I can’t help but have the stance of someone who’s just not interested. On top of that, these conversations usually occur when I’m watching T.V., eating, watching porn, masturbating while eating / watching porn or just plain masturbating. It’s annoying but there are ways to get through it.
The most important thing to remember is to make eye contact and to sustain it for about 80% of the conversation. You don’t have to actually listen but at least put up the façade that you are. After some practice you’ll see it’s easy to keep that vision of Anne Hathaway’s bouncing boobies as you tend to your throbbing thrill pole. Your eyes have to be listening, not your brain and that’s pretty good considering that your eyes can’t hear anything anyway.
Try and keep a database of popular characters in your brain. You may not be listening but if prompted for comment you can say something like: “Sounds great but I like Barrons better.” Or “Wow what a story! Imagine if Bones were to make an appearance in that! MmmmHmmmm” or for us professionals “Enough talk little dove, I want to rub your back passionately and nibble along the skin all the way down your spine and then rub your beautiful feet with that lotion you love.” Oh yes, nothing says “Fuck yeah” quite like taking a blabbing blogger into putty in your hands.
- Listen with your eyes because they don’t have ears.
- Think about Anne Hathaway
- Know your book blogger heartthrobs
- Offer up a massages / chores when in a pinch
And there you have it. A quick synopsis of what our book blogging loved ones is trying to convey to us. Although not complete, this should give you an advantage when faced with the challenges of having to hear about the books all the time and how to turn what could be a lot of chatter in to a lot of taking control of the situation and owning the bitch. Err… I mean goddess. But in all seriousness, if you take the time to crack the code, you will find riches you never thought you had.
“Put it anywhere I want? Yes ma’am!”