May 31, 2012

Posted by in Guest Posts | 33 Comments

Guest Post – Tell Me Again, But In Your Blog Voice RAWR!

My husband, who takes on the persona of Stanley Dimitrious, a vampire and other things, while visiting blogland – I don’t know why so don’t ask – has written a little post offering advice to Husbands and Partners of Book Bloggers.  I laughed until I cried while reading it!  But just a little warning before you continue, the content is definitely a man’s point of view and can be seen as a little er…crass.  But then again, you guys read the same books I read so it shouldn’t bother you in the least.  😉

Enjoy!

As an expert in female behavior I feel obligated to chime in from time to time on YMaKAC to give guidance and to educate the masses. Julie often forgets that as a 1000 year old Vampire / Playboy / Orator / Pool boy I’ve seen and learned a lot from life experiences. Today, I’m going to go over what woman say versus what they mean but with a twist. For all the book blogger husbands / wives / sexy partners this is all about what a book blogger says and what they really mean.

Now I know what you’re probably thinking: How on earth have I possibly deciphered the cryptic truth behind what a woman actually means when she speaks. The answer is simple: Tons of research, Video surveillance in the bedroom, bathroom and the hair salon from down the road and spy operations where I was disguised as a cedar bush. On that awkward note, let’s review my findings.

CASE #1

“There’s this book I need you to get after work. It’s put aside under your name”

Let’s face it. We’ve all been put in that situation where we need to fetch the book smut like a trained German shepherd. It’s not fun because usually I just want to get home and have a sandwich but this, my friends is the closest thing to being asked to bring the “One Ring” to Mordor from your book blogging partner.

There are several ways to handle the book pick up from the store. For men, you have to understand that 99.9% of the book covers WILL embarrass you. A shrubbery disguise is useful in many cases but it will draw too much attention to you in the store.

I’ve dropped the “It’s not for me, it’s for a friend” line a few times to the young teenage girl behind the cash all in an effort to hold onto the man card. It’s when the cashier goes “Is this the one?” and brandishes some half naked dude in a kilt for all the other customers to see. “Yeah that’s right bitch, this is called married man with kids scoring major points right here!” is what I’m thinking as I do my best to appear nonchalant and cool. “Yeah that’s the one” I’ll say and I try to avoid eye contact as I flee the store with my tail between my legs.

CONCLUSION:

  • You must fulfill the request.
  • You will feel embarrassed.
  • Avoid eye contact.
  • You may receive oral sex or actual sex as a reward but will most likely pick up a temporary shunning order as the book blogger will want to read the new book.

CASE #2

“I’m really enjoying this BDSM book for some reason… I don’t normally read this but it’s really hot”

Finally all those trips to the book store may actually be paying off.  This statement is more of an invitation into a realm your partner is hinting at. Now, depending on how fast your book blogger partner reads will determine the window of opportunity you have here. I’ve once waited too long only to have Julie pick up some emotional story immediately following the hot book which resulted in a conversation about feelings which then migrated to responsibilities… Mainly my lack of around the house responsibilities… “Fuck feelings!” and there goes the erection (sad panda face).

What you need to do is act on this immediately, preferably within 12 hours of the statement. If you can act on it right away I suggest that course of action. The trick is to not go all out right away. Start with a bit of “rough play” and work your way into rolling pins and spatulas. Make sure your bedroom ceiling is strong enough to suspend ropes and chains. Toss a blindfold onto your partner and be the DOM. If done correctly and quickly you could be in for some major couple self exploration.

CONCLUSION:  

  • Act immediately.
  • Avoid feelings.
  • Use a gradual progression to total dominance
  • Replace your rolling pin and spatula
  • You will receive oral sex and actual sex and may be instructed to “put it where you want” <- Epic win

CASE #3

“Oh, in the book I’m reading there’s… [PLOT DETAILS]”

The worst part of this is that she’s got a smile from ear to ear telling me all about the book. Nothing against the author, but as someone who’s not as engaged with these kinds of stories I can’t help but have the stance of someone who’s just not interested. On top of that, these conversations usually occur when I’m watching T.V., eating, watching porn, masturbating while eating / watching porn or just plain masturbating. It’s annoying but there are ways to get through it.

The most important thing to remember is to make eye contact and to sustain it for about 80% of the conversation. You don’t have to actually listen but at least put up the façade that you are. After some practice you’ll see it’s easy to keep that vision of Anne Hathaway’s bouncing boobies as you tend to your throbbing thrill pole. Your eyes have to be listening, not your brain and that’s pretty good considering that your eyes can’t hear anything anyway.

Try and keep a database of popular characters in your brain. You may not be listening but if prompted for comment you can say something like: “Sounds great but I like Barrons better.” Or “Wow what a story!  Imagine if Bones were to make an appearance in that! MmmmHmmmm” or for us professionals “Enough talk little dove, I want to rub your back passionately and nibble along the skin all the way down your spine and then rub your beautiful feet with that lotion you love.” Oh yes, nothing says “Fuck yeah” quite like taking a blabbing blogger into putty in your hands.

CONCLUSION:

  • Listen with your eyes because they don’t have ears.
  • Think about Anne Hathaway
  • Know your book blogger heartthrobs
  • Offer up a massages / chores when in a pinch

And there you have it. A quick synopsis of what our book blogging loved ones is trying to convey to us. Although not complete, this should give you an advantage when faced with the challenges of having to hear about the books all the time and how to turn what could be a lot of chatter in to a lot of taking control of the situation and owning the bitch. Err… I mean goddess. But in all seriousness, if you take the time to crack the code, you will find riches you never thought you had.

“Put it anywhere I want? Yes ma’am!”

  1. ROFLOL! OMG, this is hilarious. I particularly like the comments about Barrons and Bones! ;o) smiles…

  2. LOLOL. A great start to my day. I will forward this to my husband immediately.

  3. LOL!! But my husband LOVES when I tell him the plots of books I’m reading, especially the historicals… er….doesn’t he?

  4. This is hilarious, I’m going to send this to my BF just before I ask him to go to the bookstore to buy 50 Shades of Grey for me! LOL I’ll pay for that book just to see his face 😉

  5. Hahaha! Excellent, and yes, having knowledge about Barrons and Bones will definitely make you sound like the kind a husband that pays attention…lol
    Got to show DH, you sure are giving some good pointers.

  6. OMG I LOVED THIS POST! LOL Stanley Dimitrious, you hit the nail on the head with this one. I think it’s great that you actually realized all the benefits of making your blog partner happy. Can’t wait to read your next post!

  7. OMG! I spit cereal while reading this. PLEASE give us more of these posts!!!! 😛

  8. LOL! This hilarious and so true. Sending this to my husband right now.

  9. Ok, it’s official: I won’t translate this to my husband! Yours is evil! lol
    But you’re so lucky he bought your books! I do it by myself! 😀

  10. Yeah, those “listening eyes” – don’t think we don’t recognize that you’re really just hoping we’ll finish soon as ask you to “put it anywhere.” ha!

  11. Another winner post by “the wise” Stanley Dimitrious – LOL

  12. OMG….WOW…i think i just learned a whole new side of u Julie…..LOL!!

  13. Jenn Bennett says:

    Ba-hahahahaha!!!!

    Nice. Very nice.

  14. OMGosh!!! that was hilarious and awesome!! props to hubs for knowing who Barrons and Bones are, and props to Julie for getting adventurous! LOL!!

  15. Christi – Everyone seems impressed when he talks of those two. LOL

    Jen – I would love to know what your hubs says. lol

    Carolyn – Of course your hubs likes hearing about the books you read. Yours is the exception to what ‘Stanley’ is saying. 😉

    Brie – OMG That would be awesome! And yes, you need to take a video of his reaction! LOLOL

    Lup – Yes, throw in those names and your wife will be impressed. For the first few times anyways. lol

    Bells – Yes, he did get it bang on didn’t he? lol

    Amanda – He says he will ‘anytime’. 😉

    Eloise – I hope he enjoys. lol

    Zendastark – LOL!

    Jeffe – Sometimes it’s better to just let them think we don’t know. 😉

    Bookaholic Cat – You’re going to make his head swell. lol

    Sharon – I’m starting to think maybe he’s sharing too much. 😉 LOL

    Jenn – 🙂

    Leigh – Yes, props to me! Er… 😉

  16. OMG….Julie your husband is sooo funny!!!! I LOVED this post!!
    I don’t know whether to be jealous of you or to feel bad for you!! LOL… Have a great day!! I look forward to hearing more from Stanley Dimitrious and his humorous wisdom!! LOL.

  17. LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG… I was practically crying! You have a gem there. He’s obviously a prince among men to have “learned” all that 🙂 My guy is working on it, but I still see the blank stare when I try to talk about my books. I will print this out as a “guide” for him!

  18. Stanley Dimitrious says:

    Thank you for all the lovely comments. I’ll be sure to share another story sooner rather than later.

  19. Hahahaha, this was awesome! I had my husband read it and he totally agreed with everything! Thanks for the great laugh =)

  20. Michele says:

    ROTFLMAO!! Too Funny!!

  21. LMAO ROFL I’m hiccuping I laughed so hard! 😀 LOL Julie, your husband is priceless, no wonder you two laugh so much with such humour! Seriously you should make it a recurring feature having him over as a guest 😀 Thanks for sharing!!

  22. I’m inspired to write a book about a 9-5, book buying vampire and his hot tamale wife, who occasionally puts aside her book reading and blogging for other pursuits. (and I don’t mean balloon parties….oh wait…maybe I do.)
    Thanks for the belly laughs, Stanley.

  23. First I all this was HILARIOUS!! Second, if I ever get a significant other, I’m giving him your number so he can learn only the best from you!!! Totally had me cackling out loud!!

  24. LOL Paul could learn a thing or two from this!

  25. LMAO!!! This was hilarious!! Thank you for sharing this!! I’m not married however if I was married I could only imagine my hubby would have the same exact thoughts as yours!! Loved his POV, hope to get more of these in the future!;) Have a fabulous weekend!!

  26. Case #1

    “One Ring” – my husband sees me in the bed late at night reading my Nook and he says My precious when he sees the glow from the screen.

    Case #2

    I’ve learned to not share what I’m reading to hubby anymore because it’s plain to see on his face that he doesn’t care. Like I don’t care about sports. LOL
    LOL! I could highlight parts and show hubby and I still wouldn’t see any rolling pin action.

    Case #3

  27. Hysterical! Hysterical…may have peed my pants a little and I’m not sure but you may be living with my husband!

  28. This is toooo funny!!! I have to make my husband read it.

  29. Mariann – “I don’t know whether to be jealous of you or to feel bad for you!!” LMAO I don’t know either! 😉

    erinf1 – Print it out! That is funny! LOL

    Lexi – You’re husband agreed! Good man. 😉

    Michele – 🙂

    Stella – He’s a busy man and can’t write too often but I will try to bug him more often for a post. 😉

    Dot – LMAO!

    Maghon – Absolutely! lol

    Carmel – I would love to know what he thinks of this post! LOL

    Miss Vain – He’ll be writing more for sure!

    Jennifer – I still share but mostly right before bed, in our room, in the dark. That way I can talk all I want and he doesn’t have to pretend to give a poop. 😉

    donna – LMAO!!!

    Midnyte Reader – 🙂

  30. Awesome post! Soo Funny. Hope your husband got rewarded well for this one. ; )

  31. That is feckin hilarious! Soon as my honey gets home from work he is soooo reading that shit! ROTFL! Awesome post!

  32. Lol, great post, but I am so not going to let my boyfriend read this. But then, I don’t really talk about books I know won’t interest him. He is not a reader at all. And my books are always delivered by the mailperson 😉

  33. This is the funnest thing I have every read about book bloggers. I have sent a copy to my hubby so that he can take note. P.S. I especially like #2!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *