Guest Post – Stanley Dimitrious Chats About Your Reading Face
My husband, also known as Stanley Dimitrious, often comes up with interesting topics for his guest posts on my blog. I do believe this one also qualifies as “interesting”…
Your reading face is showing…
Have you ever been on a crowded bus after a really crappy day at work only to have a tobacco reeking teenager plop down beside you on the already way too small seat sporting a pair of headphones that look more like something commissioned by NASA blaring out some obscure rap music going on about someone’s “booty” and “the club yo” oh and “bling and my ride”? Yeah it’s pretty irritating and for the most part you can avoid situations like that by getting a drivers license or a bigger pair of headphones blasting the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack. The choice is yours really but there are just some things that are odd and strange and that should be left for the privacy of the home. The public display of bad rap music is one of those things.
Obnoxious music is one thing we can all agree on that should be left at home, but what about reading? You’re probably thinking how could reading possibly be offensive, but there is this one thing that you probably never thought to consider. The reading face.
Let me tell you, when my 5 year old tells me he has to poop, that statement is usually followed by some laughter a removal of all clothing and a jog to the toilet. Depending on what we feed the kid will yield all different kinds of facial expressions and sounds. It’s kind of like going to the theater and watching a performance. “What kind of song will I get if I give the actor a burrito and a bottle of Pepsi beforehand?” What can I say? Men like experimenting with bodily functions and there really is something to be proud of when my 5 year old contorts his face like a gremlin on the toilet. It was all fun and games until I took a long look at my wife reading in her chair one evening.
If you Google “reading” you’ll get all kinds of images of dolled up moms with a book looking all prim and proper. Some are on sofas, some are stretched out on a beach blanket, some have a tablet, some have a small book. These people look relaxed; almost meditative to an extent. Then I look at my wife and have to question whether or not she’s mistaken the Lazy Boy for the potty.
“Are you even comfortable? It looks like you’re forcing a turd.” I start, and am greeted by unimpressed eyes if only for a moment and then it’s back to the folded up chin riding the bottom of the book and that glorious look of constipation. “Maybe it’s just her?” I think to myself and grab a book myself and proceed to the mirror. “Good God!” One look at me reading a few lines and I could convince a Shakespearian panel that I was just stabbed. I looked awful and in pain, heck I’d take the poop look over this. In disgust I took my research further.
Where I work there is a lovely cafeteria with leather chairs and tables and it is always chalk full of people chatting and, of course, reading. Doing my best to not look creepy I took a stroll around and observed the readers. Now that I’m looking for it, I’m amazed at how only now I see it for what it is. The reading face is almost like a snapshot into the hidden private life of the reader and the worst thing is that they have no idea. I found 3 “poopers” (that what I call them now), a girl who looked as if she had been roundhouse kicked in the back, another girl who had managed to curl herself into an upright fetal position so tightly that at first I thought she was just a body with these little arms. She was reading that new J.K Rowling book… Does that book make you want to turn into a beach ball? I did see one guy reading as if he was one of those guys from the Google search but noted quickly that he was with a cute girl and obviously he was trying his best not to come across as an extra from “The Walking Dead”… Last I checked, young attractive girls didn’t like guys would read like a flesh eating zombie.
So the reading face is now a gross reality that I’ll have a hard time dismissing forever. I still find it hard to imagine how someone could be reading an erotica scene in a book and have the look of someone on the receiving end of a colonoscopy. But that’s the ugly truth behind the pages. Maybe I could patent a paper bag that you could wear when you’re reading so that you don’t scare away the kids? Maybe I’ll do nothing and try my best to not notice the horror. Since doing “something” takes a lot more effort that doing “nothing” it’s a safe bet that I’ll be doing my best to keep my eyes at the floor.
“You want a hand with that bowel movement?” My follow up question is met with the rolling of eyes and ironically, my wife finishes up her chapter in the room where it should have began: The bathroom.
Really though, Jason er…Stanley did take my picture one day while I was reading and he is right. I do have a reading face. I don’t think it makes me look…like he says…but I do have multiple chins and my face is devoid of most expression. It’s like it’s borders pissed off so it’s ready for ‘giving the look’ when
Jason Stanley interrupts my reading 😉