Dec 12, 2013

Posted by in Guest Posts | 4 Comments

Stanley Dimitrious’ Holiday Special

'Candy Canes on November 2nd' photo (c) 2006, Dan Century - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/As the holiday season is upon us, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on all the wonderful things that make the season so great. Well… To be honest the greatest gift of all is the emotional high your significant other is riding through the season. Now, don’t get me wrong, that high is dependent on all the chaos leading up to the holidays being looked after. For all you men out there take note: Do as much as possible and don’t complain. Think of it as the old “If you’re good, there will be a treat” philosophy. It’s kind of like going to the dentist and getting a lollypop at the end. No one likes doing it but if you’re good you get rewarded. In short, what I’m getting at is holiday sex. Dirty, nasty, experimental, dominant / submissive, strange, hurts but it feels so good etc… You name it. As a self proclaimed expert in the art of “Get in the bedroom and do exactly as your told” I’m going to go over some of the sexiest and awesome things you can do as a couple over the holidays. Got Yule log? You know I do!

After being a super helper around the house and with all the holiday shopping and preparations, it’s time to have your woman become “Santa’s little helper.” This is easily achieved by purchasing a festive fur-trimmed outfit that can fit in a film cartridge. If you don’t want to go out and spend the money and I don’t blame you as you’re probably broke from buying gifts for everyone else, then you can get the same rise out of putting a cooking apron on your woman and using the ties in the back to double as a G-string. Trust me, it’s a hot look and spanking with oven mitts is a “gentle” way of telling her that she is on the naughty list for burning the shortbread cookies.

Have you ever been to the convenience store and taken a long look at the assortment of candy canes? This holiday treat is probably the most versatile toy you can bring into the bedroom. For beginners, the traditional cane is ideal for “female exploration” and the mini candy canes are good for even naughtier places. Larger candy canes just make for a hardcore evening. I once saw a giant candy cane stick at Wal-Mart and thought that for the $10 price tag it would make for one amazing sex toy. Toss in a few Christmas bulbs and garland and you have festive nipple clamps and restraints. The best part is that this doesn’t have to be all about her. When it’s time for you to venture down there and rock her world you’ve got flavor options. A “peppermint pussy” is always more enjoyable than a non-flavored one.

Role playing is an underrated form of frolicking. Here are a few scenarios to try and get more into the holiday sexy spirit:

  • Catching snowflakes on your tongue – More like warm drizzle but close enough.
  • Sitting on Santa’s knee – I can go anywhere with this one. Use your imagination.
  • Receiving a little R&R from Mrs. Clause and an elf friend or two – I can dream right?
  • Silver Bells – I’m sure there’s a Ben Wa version of these out there. If not… I’ll be a millionaire in a few weeks
  • Three Wise Men – We may not be bringing you gold, myrrh and frankincense but an orgasm buffet is a close second.

For those of you looking for a more intimate setting, nothing says love like getting it on at your parents place or better yet, the in-laws. The best time to try and pull this off is when the family has finished eating dinner and for the most part is incapacitated from food. If you can’t land a time after supper then go for the old trip to the bathroom and prop your woman up on the sink or have ride the edge of the bathtub. An important thing to note is that your woman will most likely resist your advances in these settings. Make sure to seed your conversation with things like: “I’ve never been with a girl at my old house” or “All I need is like 30 seconds” or if you are really desperate “I’ll do housework for the next month”. Only use that last one if you are getting a steady stream of “No” Buying a month of housework is like probation. You do it, get it over with and then it’s done. If you’re lucky and do a terrible job at it you won’t even have to put a week of effort into it.

And there you have it. My collection of fun and adventurous things for you and your loved one to try out over the holidays is guaranteed to please. Nothing says love and puts your woman into the “Ho, Ho, Ho” spirit like Santa’s little helper and her peppermint flavored fun spot. The next time you’re at the neighbors house and they’ve got candy canes hanging from the tree you got to ask yourself” “Where have those been?”

Stanley

  1. Well, I’ll never look at candy canes the same way again.

  2. Oh Stanley you make Julie sound like a lucky woman. LOL

    As always funny post.

    PS Candy canes are not good for “female exploration” unless you want to make some sourdough bread after the yeast infection the sugar will bring on. Maybe get some body paint and paint YOUR candy cane red and white and use it instead. LOL

  3. Azucena Rodriguez says:

    Oh God… This just made my lunch break xD Candy canes and snowflakes…

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