Nov 19, 2014

Posted by in Silly Stuff | 7 Comments

Silly Stuff – 25 Erotica Lit Tropes That Need to Die

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Guilty Pleasures shared this on Facebook last week. When I saw the title, I immediately clicked on it. And while I read it, I giggled profusely. I then read it to Jason, while still giggling profusely. He did not find it very funny. But I KNOW you guys will.

I am so on board with this article! There are so many things you see in erotic books that I am SO over. Too much already people! And I think all of the things that drive me nuts are on this list.

Are your ‘erotica frustrations’ on this list too?

25 Erotica Lit Tropes That Need to Die

1. Women climax on demand. “Come for me [insert two-syllable name of erotica protagonist here]!” he commands, thus unleashing her, bringing us to:

2. “I come undone.” A thing no woman has ever said, either aloud or in her own brain.

3. Women come from penetrative sex. This usually happens either after never having a single orgasm in her entire twentysomething years of life or never having an orgasm from penetration.

4. Women never have bad pain or hesitation when he wants to put something up their butts. Be it his penis, a butt plug (Hi, Mr. Grey will you see me now?), a finger. She surrenders all orifices without hesitation no matter what object he wants to put inside her when in the presence of her “sex god.”

5. “My sex.” It’s called a clit.

6. “His length.” It’s called a dick.

7. Men are infinitely more sexually experienced than their partners. And he always somehow always knows more about her vagina than her even though vaginas/women’s pleasure profiles are like snowflakes, no two alike.

8. Quivering thighs caused by sexual arousal. Have your thighs ever actually quivered outside of a really hard inner thigh set in barre burn?

9. Climaxing from almost nothing, like, he blows on her nipple. Or the sound of his voice alone. “He whispered softly and she came, fully, wildly, for hours.” (No.)

10. No one sees anything when sex is had in a car. Even if the car is in a full garage or an open air and crowded parking lot. In erotica, two people can be boning in the driver’s seat as thousands of people leave a Taylor Swift concert and no one will notice them and they will notice no one.

11. Desire “pools in [a woman’s] belly.” Every time a woman gets horny, be it mildly turned on or unbearably aroused, she describes the symptoms of a stomachache. Does she really want to be fucked or is what she really needs a Mylanta chewable?

12. UTIs don’t exist. Even if he goes from butt sex to vaginal sex, no condom change or “length” washing in between. This is possibly erotica’s worst lie.

13. The “sex god” likes to wash her hair when they take showers together. This always happens during the first shower. Ladies, raise your hand if your partner has ever offered to wash your hair? [No hands raised.] As soon as he’s got some shampoo on her scalp, he’s hard and banging her against the tiles which don’t have any mildew because he’s rich and has a housekeeper.

14. Shower sex is the HOTTEST THING EVER I COME UNDONE OMIGOD. Shower sex IRL is never as good as regs dry sex.

15. The couple does it like seven or eight times a day and still has time to go out to eat and work at jobs. He is always sporting an erection and dealing with it is like a full-time job.

16.Women have magical orifices that are not only resistant to infections but also require no lube ever. She’s always “so wet, so ready for [him].”

17. The relationship is always love/hate. And part of the reason she hates him is usually just because she made up some stuff in her head about him having a girlfriend, and rather than ask someone who would know, tortures herself over it for half the book.

18. She always loves giving blow jobs. And swallowing. She acts like his penis is a damn cupcake or something.

19. All guys are really super excellent at finger-banging. Finger-banging is like the vegan, gluten-free pizza of sex acts. It’s never your first choice from the menu.

20. Finger-banging in public — like, you’re at dinner with his boss — is common. Unless he is Gumby, his arms are not so long and bendy that no one notices him reaching down and twisting his elbow at an insane angle in order to finger-bang.

21. The man always has impeccable and sexy fashion sense.

22. And can dance really well at da club.

23. His penis is always the size of a firetruck.

24. The characters get aroused and speak with periods. Between. All. Their. Words. During. Dirty. Talk. She never laughs at or second guesses his dirty talk, or thinks it’s anything but completely hot even though he’s usually shit at it.

25. Everyone orgasms every time they have sex. The man, the woman, the woman again. If. Only.

Too. Funny.

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  1. I’ve often wondered what’s meant when authors talk about the scent of sex, as in, “the room reeked of sex.” I mean, assuming you’re not a werewolf or something.

    On the other hand, you know what trope I miss if it isn’t there? Condoms. I need to have the author address the protection issue. If she doesn’t, I continue to worry about it for as long as I manage to stick with the story.

  2. I shouldn’t have said that I wondered about why they always talk about the scent of sex. I should have said I’m tired of hearing about it in anything other than THE very most intimate moments. If I’m not a werewolf, I don’t want to be sitting across the table from my partner at a restaurant and thinking about how much he smells of sex. That’s what I meant.

  3. I totally agree with all of this! The other thing that is overdone in erotica in my opinion is the sex all night thing. Nobody needs to sleep and somehow after going all night they’re ready to go first thing in the morning! And the girls are never sore, or if they are they totally get right over it and have another two or three orgasms. Yeah, right!

  4. Yes to all of them! I’m so tired of reading these tropes, they only made me like the book a little less.
    I don’t know how many times I have read about humongous penises, so big the woman can’t even wrap the hand around… then they have “painful” sex and she comes immediately because it touches “painfully” something deep inside her. Really!?
    And don’t make me talk about the magic virgin vaginas… Yes, those virgin vaginas that can sex the whole night and the next morning and the next night… and are not ever sore.

  5. OMG that was hilarious!

    As you know, Julie, I’m the complete opposite of you in my experience with Erotica. I’ve only ever read 50 Shades (still working on my motivation to finish the 2nd book, of 3… it’s been over a year).

    Anyway, that was enough to make me giggle as silently as possible (I’m at work… oops)while I read these.

    Thanks! That was fun. 🙂

  6. Thanks for that. Laughed a lot! So so true

  7. Laughed so hard at this! So true and so damn funny!

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