Oct 1, 2010

Posted by in Guest Posts | 21 Comments

Guest Post – Romance Books Are Chick Porn

Romance books are chick porn. Yeah I said it, but no matter how you look at it these paranormal / urban fantasy / historical romance books are smut outlets for women. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not brandishing a pitchfork demanding we burn these books and keep them away from the children. THE CHILDREN!!! THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN!!! But seriously, I think that these books are the best thing to come to my female counterparts since oh… the French Tickler or was it the dishwasher??? I can’t remember. So what is it about these books? I’ll answer that question and enlighten you to the phenomenon of the romance book obsessed woman. MEOW!

Now we have to go back. Go waaaaayyyyyy back to the days of the caveman. Believe it or not, the male man has not evolved all that much from his days as a Neanderthal. I know what you’re thinking guys, but let’s be honest with ourselves: If we see raw meat, we’ll eat it. We like football and sword fights and explosions and if I was in a cave somewhere with some paint, odds are I’d start painting some kind of hieroglyphs on the rock. We are simple, senses stimulus organisms. We like to watch our porn, eat our food, grab some titties, watch more porn, eat, jerk off and then pass out on the couch to the (insert any sport here, even poker which is a sport according to ESPN) broadcast flickering in the night.

I paint a lovely picture don’t I? Like it or not, we are all like this to some extent. Some of us (single guys) live the lifestyle with a flourish while others (married men) live this life in secrecy like the poor man who hides in the closet with a bowl of chicken wings and a mid 90’s copy of Hustler magazine (pre shave era) Trying desperately to masturbate before she wants to sit you down to an evening of “The Notebook” What married guy needs to do is to get out of the closet, put the basket of wings on the counter and toss his wife a copy of “One Foot in the Grave” by Jeaniene Frost, turn to Chapter 32 and say “READ!”

The average Joe may say at this point “Give her a book? I just want to get head, how is a book going to make my life better and do I smell nachos?” Yes average Joe, that’s EXACTLY what I’m saying and I’ve had the scent of nachos in my head since 1998 brother. Er… let me explain the book bit.

When I met Julie, she told me this funny story about how she was friends with a tree on her street and a fire hydrant. She had a club with them and gave them names etc… Come to think of it, my sister had a vivid imagination when it came to creative writing and she went on to become a PHD in philosophy and wrote her doctorate about the history of philosophy. *Passes hand over head* Woosh… Right… anyway, I thought it strange at first and then I noticed that Julie wasn’t very receptive to visual stimulus. There was a famous hula dance that did nothing and then I crawled around on the carpet like a tiger; that got me a night on the couch. And let’s not forget the belly dancing *shakes head* I have only myself to blame for that. For years I couldn’t understand until one day, she began to read romance novels.

The theory is simple: Women are more susceptible to themes that play on their imagination and fantasies then men. Men are more into visuals than women. Hence, romance novels in the hands of a woman act as a catalyst for sexual and erotic thoughts which lead to a much more fun experience in the bedroom. Allowing a woman to fantasize about sex in books means that the odds of her wanting a little something from her man have increased big time and I’m not only talking about sex here, I’m talking about the whole romance / chivalry aspect of these books as well. Heck, we men only have to ½ as good as some of these book guys to get the swoon factor at home. It’s like all book guy has to do is get all vampire creepy, make promises of biting and blood and he is rewarded with sex. All I have to do is put out the garbage and load the dishwasher; the best part being I don’t have to get all unnecessarily romantic about the whole thing. Remember my first point. Men are cavemen. “Me want hard piece in you wet hole” I joke, but I wouldn’t put that line past a few guys at the bar nearing last call.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we should embrace the girl smut. Men should rejoice and praise romance novels and bring them home to their significant others with that “Oh you know you want to” glimmer in their eyes. We need to feed the imagination of our woman and know that even if she calls out the name “Bones” “Curran” or “Vishous” when you are making love remember one thing: It’s Your hard piece in her wet hole.

  1. Lol, I wish bf would write a post like this. He is still a bit concerned with all the male nipples on my books…maybe I should leave this pace open for him to read 😉

  2. Other husbands/BFs should be so smart! Don’t they get it, we start reading books with a kickass chick wielding a knife and an ominous man in the background and a few hours later they’re getting lucky. Wake up men 😀

    Julie: How lucky you are to be surrounded by smart men

  3. Lol love this!
    Another awesome piece by your husband! 😉
    My bf always refers to my books as smut books or asks if I’m reading my porn!
    But he didn’t get lucky as often when I was having a reading rut so he’s happier now I’m reading, he actually kept asking when I was going to read again lol 🙂

  4. blodeuedd – Jason did write it for boys to read too! 🙂

    Jessica – I don’t know about smart men, but he’s a ‘happier’ man. 😉

    Ally – It didn’t take Jason long to put two and two together. Julie reading = happier Julie = ‘busier’ Jason! 🙂

  5. What’s the fun in reading all this if you can’t try it all out at home afterward? Years ago, my hubs (also a Jason) got jealous of my books. Until he realized what my reading them meant for him. Let’s just say that we don’t get much sleep nowadays. 😉 lol.

  6. “It’s Your hard piece in her wet hole.” Heh.

  7. Yeah Jason…u get it!!! im sooo proud of u for knowing Chapter 32 of OFITG!!! good job!!!

    btw…we need more info on this:

    “I crawled around on the carpet like a tiger.”

    LMAO!!

  8. Well sharon… I’d replace the word “tiger” and go with “killer whale”… Yeah I’m about as graceful as that. 😉

  9. Killer Whale…just hairier! 😉

  10. This is hilarious. Great post! I sure would love it if you get a video next time Stanley tries the “crawl on the floor like a tiger” technique.

    Oh, boy, I need to read that Frost book!

  11. LOL… Good stuff! 🙂 I have to say that Stanley has already praised the books with me many times… The dude has got a point people. Although I find that when you look like a book cover the women skill all of the chapters… 😉

    I also have to agree with the Killer whale reference…LOL Sorry Stanley I couldn’t resist.

  12. Carolyn – Yes! Yes you do! Great series…and Chapter 32 is one of the hottest scenes ever!

  13. Wow Jason…I feel like blushing or something…

  14. Mandi – I was a little stunned when Jason presented this to me…but I also laughed out loud. The laughter made me post it! 🙂

  15. Nice post! Keep this one Julie, he gets it 🙂

  16. Patti- It may have taken a while, but yup he gets it! 🙂

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  18. I have my own business http://jeiehiruda.de.tl young magazine models no chinguen como me encanta ver como le atarragn toda la verga ah esta lindisima perra no mamen me vengo nadamas de ver como se se restrega la verga en su panochita

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