Nov 6, 2010

Posted by in Guest Posts | 8 Comments

Guest Post – What’s In A Name?

What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. If anything Shakespeare had it right with names like Romeo, Juliette, Desdemona and the like. These names are sexy and even hundreds of years later still hold true to their benchmark status of romantic and classical names.  These names do smell sweet like roses… These names in current romance books are well… They don’t stink, they just shout WTF??? And make little to no sense at all when being referenced. Allow me to explain.

/Rant on

Julie likes to talk about her books often. As the nice husband that I am, I’ve trained myself to pick up on key words so that if mentioned I can quickly go back to that conversation and make comments that score me big points even though I’m playing video games or reminiscing about funny commercials from the 80’s and 90’s. Those commercials were pretty funny.  Julie’s stories about character A likes character B but character C has to kill character A who is possessed by character D but secretly is in love with character E, blah blah blah… The stories are good but when I hear the names of these characters it just sends me over the edge into an “I’m going to pick this shit apart” frenzy.  Let’s review.

Wulf – Dark Hunter Series

Really? Wulf? This guy was the exchange student in high school from Norway who ate things on the road and who smelled of pine needles.  The only time it’s ok to smell of pine needles in high school is when you drink a pint of Gin and wake up with the homecoming Queen underneath your He-Man bedspread. By the power of Greyskull, you know what I’m saying? You know it. Don’t even get me started on some of the other names from this book like Talon and Vane. You might as well call the first guy Wolverine and get Hugh Jackman to do the audiobook and the only Mr. Vain I know is the one that Culture Beat sang about.  If you were born in the nineties I suggest Googleing that and having a listen.

Disco – Rhiannon’s Law Series

Too easy.

Jericho Barrons – Fever Series

Here’s a bit on an enigma. I keep hearing about all these readers swooning at this guy but with a name like Barrons it would be as if I got pulled over by a cop with a handlebar moustache driving a Ford Torino and had to take him seriously. Is it possible to get a ticket for uncontrollable laughter?  Barrons is a ridiculous name.  Sounds like the name of a confused male character from a Final Fantasy game that cries a lot and gets lost in the forest often. And why is the name plural? Is there more than one Barron out there? I’m sure all you readers wish there were. Or maybe this guy has multiple personalities? If anything the dude should have changed his name to Bret Favre. At least he would have dated Cameron Diaz; when she was young; kind of in real life, in There’s something About Mary.

Bones – Night Hunter Series

Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse than Barrons, Julie kept talking about this Bones guy. What parent would call their kid Bones? “Look hun, it’s a brand new bouncing boy! Let’s call him Bones.” “I love that name hun, he is a meatsac after all and that is what he is anatomically made out of. “ Fail. You’re only allowed to be called bones if you’re a skeleton and I’m not talking about a skeleton in the literal sense. I’m talking about a skeleton that had a bit of help from the local Necromancer and now has a job at the corner store packing groceries.  You could also take the name Bones if you have and irregularly large package. Then again, I’m sure that Cat will never tell me, but I’ll still dare her to email me the correct measurements. You can fire those specs to me at

Shade and Wraith – Demonica Series

I’ll take World of Warcraft character names for $400 Alex.

Vishous, Rhage, Phury – The Black Dagger Brotherhood Series

I have to admit that I was saving the best for last because these character names take the cake. If the BDB was a vein of the World Wrestling Foundation then I might understand. The tag team duo of Rhage and Phury dressed in the football pads with plastic spikes on them make for an intimidating duo. Maybe these guys had the same parents as River Phoenix?  No wait, that wouldn’t work because one of the guys is named John Matthew? Huh? It’s like an episode of the Newheart show. “I’m Vishious and this is my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl.”  I think the series should be called “The Black Dagger Adjective Brotherhood.” Zing.

Now don’t get me wrong here. I’m in no way making fun of these wonderful authors or criticizing their creativity. I understand that when creating a fantasy for your audience, it’s imperative to use elements that are not commonplace, thus the unique names. Imagine if the BDB characters were named Jason, David, Warren, Mike and Kevin??? It just wouldn’t be the same. However it doesn’t mean it’s exempt from a good old fashioned comedic beating from yours truly.  Thanks for reading and have a great weekend.

/rant off

  1. LOL…its true about the crazy names but Bob just wouldnt do!!

    and btw….Bones’ real name is Cripin…i think he prob prefers Bones 😀

  2. LMFAO! This made my night. High five for another great post Jason. I came to the realization that ALL these names would work as names for wrestlers in the WWE (or whatever they’re calling it these days).

  3. So true and so funny!
    Some of theses names really make me cringe!

  4. Butting in, butting in….
    Disco is a nickname….and its fabulous 😛

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