Jun 17, 2010

Posted by in My Life's Quirks | 8 Comments

My Life’s Quirks – Why is ‘It’ Always So Big?

Before I begin, I just wanted to say to my dad:  Dad, I know you read my blog on a daily basis and I really, really appreciate it.  It makes me feel great knowing that at least one person is reading this every day.  But please don’t read this article for I will be forever mortified – and I think you will to!  I love you!

“My, oh my, he was so well-endowed.  She wondered if he were ever going to fit.”  Well, he did – they always do.

I’ve been reading romance novels since August 2009.  As many of you know, just one book is all it takes before you are forever changed and perpetually addicted!  I sometimes forget they even publish books that don’t either contain people having sex, or talking of sex, or suggesting a possibility of maybe one day wanting to consider the idea of having sex.  I read my first sex scene quite by accident.  As I was reading it I was stunned, shocked, surprised…and utterly transfixed.  I found the sex brought an entirely new level of emotion to the story (I mean other than the ‘obvious’ emotion that comes along when thinking about making hot monkey love). Now it’s a given that when reading a romance based book, there will be talk of the parts that are required for doing the horizontal mambo.  There isn’t usually much mention of the lady components – after all, we are the primary audience and we know what we have down there so there is no need to go into great detail.  Most of the author’s narrative is typically focused on the book’s hero’s manhood.  I am of course talking about his dude piston.  His schlong.  His quiver bone.  His love muscle.  His penis.

Something jumps off the page at me every time the hero’s nude state is described in a work of fiction.  He is always toned, muscled, smooth and “tanned with no tan lines”.  All things I agree with.  After all, I am reading a book to escape into my imagination with a man who, if he were a real person, would take one look at me and instantly think he can no longer live without me.  Obviously such a man must be toned, muscled and smooth.  If I were imagining a perfect man, I would not describe him as having a sagging beer gut and man boobs!  (I mean no offense if that is what your ideal man is like…)  But when the author begins describing the hero’s lap rocket, she always describes it as being big.  Or huge.  Or impossibly large.  Why does the description of our fair hero’s wang doodle always have to involve the word, or a variation of the word, big?  Was there ever any question that his member would be anything but?!  Seriously!  What kind of welcome would our hero receive if he were portrayed like this?

“She was beside herself.  Finally, finally they were alone together.  How long has she been playing this exact moment in her head?  He came to where she stood and pulled her to his hard body.  She noticed that his body wasn’t the only thing that was hard.  Well…she thought his nether-regions had thickened but she wasn’t quite sure.  Maybe what she felt were his keys in his pocket.  Not letting that faze her, she grabbed his buttocks and gave a fierce squeeze.  Mmm, his ass was a nice hand full!  He stepped back, but not before giving her a kiss that she would not soon forget.  He began disrobing.  She followed suit.  As each piece of clothing fell, their movements hastened.  After what seemed like forever they faced each other, she in her matching lacy bra and panties and he in his satiny Super Mario Bros boxer shorts.  He began removing that final layer – the very layer she has been stripping with her mind since the moment she saw him across the Quickie Mart.  Lower and lower the boxers went until…gasp.  Was it cold in here?  Had he gone swimming in an ice cold river right before their nemesis tried to kidnap them…again?  Maybe his manhood would get bigger once he became more aroused.  She stepped closer, cautiously.  She looked right at it took a deep breath.  She closed her eyes and reached for his purple-helmeted warrior of love.  Oh my!  It was like holding someone’s thumb.  No, it was like holding a child’s thumb!  Well, that’s a tad disappointing.  At least he had a magnetic personality, great hair, eyes the color of the sea after a storm and a tanned body with no tan lines.”

Ooo baby, make me quiver!

Now I am not saying that authors should stop describing their hero’s twinkie.  I am always amazed at how many different ways one could say “dong”.  What I am saying is that I don’t think it is always necessary to inform the reader that the guy’s leaky hose is big.  We the reader know it will be.  We expect it to be.  We want it to be.  (Boy, could you just imagine being the heroine of a series that has 17 titles in it and be stuck the whole time with a vampire whose third leg is smaller than her favourite throwing knife?  How much would that gig suck?!)  So authors, keep the heat seeking venomous throbbing pythons of love coming (ha! a pun).  We love you for it.  I’m just trying to save you a little ink.

Wondering why it’s always so big.  Just another one of my life’s quirks.

  1. LMAO!!!! Ekkkkk Julie u let the secret out!!! Seriously though, who doesnt know that thats whats in these romance books whether they be PNR or whatever. I do admit that i felt the same as u when i first started reading them…shocked!! The terms are overdone and besides huge why must they always be thick? LOL.

    Great Job on the post….i think ur dad has prob heard all those terms!!! btw…what in the heck is that picture of? Looks space alienish….LOL.

  2. Too funny Julie!! Ok so the article as I told you the other night was great but the pictures…I’m not so sure. LOL That second one is a little disturbing. =) What the heck is it. Great job though once again and some great points. =)

  3. Sharon and Angela,
    The second picture is a strange looking croissant! I know it’s strange, but it’s more appropriate than my posting a picture of what I’m really talking about! lol

  4. Julie. Where do I begin. First off, wow. You have such a talent for writing that I honestly think you should consider writing a novel yourself. Seriously. You seem to have an unlimited number of ways to describe the male genetalia. This post made me laugh so hard (and squirm trying to figure out what that 2nd picture was.) What book is that excerpt from, or is it yours?! Thanks for my morning dose of entertainment. Keep em comin’!!!

  5. So… what you’re saying is that if women describe you as that Mario wearing boxer dude… you might have a problem getting a date? Is that what I’m doing wrong? LOL

    Great article Julie, you crack me up.

  6. Katya, yes I wrote the “excerpt”. And the unlimited number of ways to describe… What else is the internet good for?! lol

    BigSmooth, you wouldn’t have trouble getting a date, but you might have a problem getting a second date (assuming you’re a ‘fast mover’) lol

  7. “It feels like holding someone’s thumb.”

    LMAO!!!!!!!!

    I don’t know why they must tell us how big it is…it’s a romance book…we KNOW it is big 😉

    Very funny post!!

  8. OMG so funny! So many great names for the wiener!! Freakishly big dongs are just scary. Who needs that? LOL Great post Julie and that last pic is just disturbing.

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