Guest Post – The Black Dagger Brotherhood Survival Guide
As you may have heard, a little series called The Black Dagger Brotherhood released a new book called “Lover Unleashed” just a little while ago and even though I’m well versed in the art of being ignored and treated like a coat rack when a good book comes into the house, this experience has been much worse than normal. As I rummage through the rubble of my unkempt house I can’t help but feel that the mess is partly my fault, but fuck that shit, it’s so much easier to blame Vishous and his bucket of over emotional sap boys making my wife get all flushed and giggly. It’s pretty damn nauseating. But in the spirit of being a loving and supportive husband I’m going to do the respectable thing and think about my needs first. How’s that for a Segway? Anyhow, all this reading and neglect has helped me make a survival kit for the everyday spouse affected by the unusual increase in neglect and housework. I assure you that following these simple steps will help you get through this and when your wife comes to you will not be the battered and cranky partner she expects. Pure win. Oh and if you are a same sex couple, I recommend bypassing the survival guide all together and just read the book together. Naked. Yeah. That’s hawt.
1. Your Best Friends Basement: This place can be your best ally through all of this. Your wife will not even notice that you are gone for a few days and it gives you an outlet to drink, smoke, gamble and eat KFC off your T-Shirt for a couple of days guilt free. Be sure to have a shower and return home with a good movie for a date night. Anything from the Hugh Grant library will suffice. I personally recommend “Four Weddings and a Funeral” as it will get your spouse all mushy and for lack of a better word “easy”. Duh winning!
2. A password to a porn website: Face it; the little 30 second videos are not going to suffice here. Look at it this way, your wife is getting all hot and heavy reading and you’re across the room working on a crossword puzzle or worse, you’re watching American Idol in an effort to get over the hump (or lack thereof!) When the wife is in the “book bubble” give yourself the privacy and full length feature film that you deserve! Nothing beats a good story about a broken copier machine or a cop that has to search the jewel thief for the stolen pearl necklace. Oh he finds it all right!
3. James Bond Casino Royale: When things look really bad you can pop this movie in. In reality you’re only going to focus on about 2-3 minutes of footage near the end of the movie when Bond is getting beaten with a rope. This scene illustrates that there are worse things than book neglect. Really worse things.
4. A Broom: You’d be amazed at how useful this item is going to be for you. You will use this to sweep all the things on the floor into a pile in the corner of the house after a few days you can create a little ottoman for yourself or perhaps a little slide for the kids. If you have small kids you can use it to pull dirty diapers off them and then have a little game of baseball (or shitball as it’s called in my home) and then it becomes a sword after a half dozen Smirnoff and a crutch as you can’t for the life of you figure out how you hurt yourself jumping off your roof at 3:00am. If your wife notices you doing any of this crazy shit then you’re doing it all wrong. Consume more alcohol and try again.
5. Alcohol: See #4
6. Play some D&D: Now you’re cooking with gas! When the wife gives you the cold shoulder from all the reading, call up your buddy who still lives in their moms basement painting Warhammer models and playing World of Warcraft. Everyone has a friend like this. After a few solid hours of adventuring though a make believe dungeon and trying relentlessly to have sex with the troll bartender and rolling well on the dice so that it actually happens and your nerd friend gets all pissed off… Yeah that’s the stuff of magic. You’ll forget all about your domestic woes after a few casts of “Magic Missile”
7. Pretend it’s Christmas: Now I haven’t gotten any confirmation on the success of this but sometimes making up your own little reality can save you from feeling sorry for yourself. Actually I’ll give this a try right now. Okay, it’s 10 minutes later and I can say that I feel worse because it really isn’t Christmas and everyone forgot about me. No support from the wife either because she was busy reading. So uh, step 7 is a bust.
8. Tiger Crawl on Living room Floor: One day I’ll film myself doing this as it has a 100% effectiveness rate in making my wife stop everything she’s doing and follow my every command. This really should only be used in dire situations (i.e.: small children have taken up the role of looking after you) Doing this usually results in negative behavior later as the wife will say and feel things like “You made me do what?” “Why is there a film crew here” and “That’s not where babies come from!!” If this happens follow steps 1, 2 and 5.
And there you have it, my own personal guide to surviving the popularity and captivating nature of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. As a man I feel it is my public duty to educate the masses and pass on my age old knowledge to the younger generations and so forth. Meh, who am I kidding? All I want is a bottle of cream soda and a well-made sandwich. By looking after yourself in this situation, you will only preserve the things that are valuable in your relationship. Lunches will be made, kids will be bathed, husbands will be bathed and laundry will be folded… but for now, let her read and know that somewhere in that mind she’s happy and thinking of you and all the nasty things you’ll be doing together as the entire Black Dagger Brotherhood watches and waits their turn. Well at least she’s thinking about you first right? No? Oh well back to step 5 until the room moves like a Ferris Wheel and your stomach moves like the wave pool.