May 26, 2011

Posted by in My Life's Quirks | 25 Comments

My Life’s Quirks – Revisiting One of My Favorite Posts

When I started blogging, I knew I wanted to aim at posting something six days a week.  I also knew that, unless I taught my three year old to do his own laundry and my six year old to cook her own supper and the daycare kids to change their own diapers, I would only be able to post two reviews per week.   That left four days of “what am I going to post”.

When I visit a book blog, one of the first things I do is either check out their About page or click on their Profile.  Why?  Because I like to know a little about the person behind the blog.  I figured I wasn’t the only person like that out there, so I decided that one of my weekly posts should be about me.  But I didn’t want it to be serious or boring – I wanted it to be quirky.  Because I’m a little quirky and so is my life.  And that is how My Life’s Quirks came to be.

This week, as part of my Blogoversary celebration, I wanted to share with you one of the first My Life’s Quirks that I did (it was originally posted June 17th 2010).  This post was the first time I wrote an article type post and still to this day, I love it.  I hope it makes you laugh out loud because it makes me laugh every time.

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“My, oh my, he was so well-endowed. She wondered if he were ever going to fit.” Well, he did – they always do.

I’ve been reading romance novels since August 2009. As many of you know, just one book is all it takes before you are forever changed and perpetually addicted! I sometimes forget they even publish books that don’t either contain people having sex, or talking of sex, or suggesting a possibility of maybe one day wanting to consider the idea of having sex. I read my first sex scene quite by accident. As I was reading it I was stunned, shocked, surprised…and utterly transfixed. I found the sex brought an entirely new level of emotion to the story (I mean other than the ‘obvious’ emotion that comes along when thinking about making hot monkey love). Now it’s a given that when reading a romance based book, there will be talk of the parts that are required for doing the horizontal mambo. There isn’t usually much mention of the lady components – after all, we are the primary audience and we know what we have down there so there is no need to go into great detail. Most of the author’s narrative is typically focused on the book’s hero’s manhood. I am of course talking about his dude piston. His schlong. His quiver bone. His love muscle. His penis.

Something jumps off the page at me every time the hero’s nude state is described in a work of fiction. He is always toned, muscled, smooth and “tanned with no tan lines”. All things I agree with. After all, I am reading a book to escape into my imagination with a man who, if he were a real person, would take one look at me and instantly think he can no longer live without me. Obviously such a man must be toned, muscled and smooth. If I were imagining a perfect man, I would not describe him as having a sagging beer gut and man boobs! (I mean no offense if that is what your ideal man is like…) But when the author begins describing the hero’s lap rocket, she always describes it as being big. Or huge. Or impossibly large. Why does the description of our fair hero’s wang doodle always have to involve the word, or a variation of the word, big? Was there ever any question that his member would be anything but?! Seriously! What kind of welcome would our hero receive if he were portrayed like this?

“She was beside herself. Finally, finally they were alone together. How long has she been playing this exact moment in her head? He came to where she stood and pulled her to his hard body. She noticed that his body wasn’t the only thing that was hard. Well…she thought his nether-regions had thickened but she wasn’t quite sure. Maybe what she felt were his keys in his pocket. Not letting that faze her, she grabbed his buttocks and gave a fierce squeeze. Mmm, his ass was a nice hand full! He stepped back, but not before giving her a kiss that she would not soon forget. He began disrobing. She followed suit. As each piece of clothing fell, their movements hastened. After what seemed like forever they faced each other, she in her matching lacy bra and panties and he in his satiny Super Mario Bros boxer shorts. He began removing that final layer – the very layer she has been stripping with her mind since the moment she saw him across the Quickie Mart. Lower and lower the boxers went until…gasp. Was it cold in here? Had he gone swimming in an ice cold river right before their nemesis tried to kidnap them…again? Maybe his manhood would get bigger once he became more aroused. She stepped closer, cautiously. She looked right at it took a deep breath. She closed her eyes and reached for his purple-helmeted warrior of love. Oh my! It was like holding someone’s thumb. No, it was like holding a child’s thumb! Well, that’s a tad disappointing. At least he had a magnetic personality, great hair, eyes the color of the sea after a storm and a tanned body with no tan lines.”

Ooo baby, make me quiver!

Now I am not saying that authors should stop describing their hero’s twinkie. I am always amazed at how many different ways one could say “dong”. What I am saying is that I don’t think it is always necessary to inform the reader that the guy’s leaky hose is big. We the reader know it will be. We expect it to be. We want it to be. (Boy, could you just imagine being the heroine of a series that has 17 titles in it and be stuck the whole time with a vampire whose third leg is smaller than her favourite throwing knife? How much would that gig suck?!) So authors, keep the heat seeking venomous throbbing pythons of love coming (ha! a pun). We love you for it. I’m just trying to save you a little ink.

Wondering why it’s always so big. Just another one of my life’s quirks.

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Since I have no idea what book to giveaway with this post, I am going to let you pick.  You guys get to pick any book you want (that is $15 or less) from The Book Depository.  Of course, this means that this giveaway is open to anywhere The Book Depository ships.  To enter, just tell me Why do you think it’s always so big?.  Open until June 1st 2011 11:59EST.

I look forward to your answers and Good Luck!

  1. I am IN! Wohoo I love pick your own book contests 😀

    My oh my, what a question *shakes head* Oh you 😉

    Why, well, I have no idea. Should it not be it’s not how big it is it’s what you do with it? I guess they like to shock and the heroine is alays scared cos it wont fit or thrilled, lol

  2. LMAO! Oh Julie, this is a great post. 😀 LOVE it and oh so true. But why it is always so big??!! I think it’s for a few reasons…the average man is not so HUGE and we women enjoy a good dream about a man with a big…um…package. 😛 I’m not saying the average man can’t give you the best sex of your life, of course he can, but it’s the whole illusion of, if that is great I wonder how much greater it COULD be. The another reason I would say is because somewhere in the history of time a manly man came with a big dong…so when a love story with a strong hero comes along and the man has a big one well that just proves how manly he truly is…right?!?! 😛 😉

    Thanks for the awesome giveaway opportunity Julie!

  3. OMG….this is the funniest post EVER!!! I can absolutely see why it’s one of your favorites….ROFLMAO!!! How long did it take you to write this post and come up with all those…*erm* references?!? LOL! You are a nut, girly! ;o) smiles…

  4. “purple helmeted warrior of love”? ROTFLOL
    It’s always big because of all the reasons you so colorfully illustrated, it would be extremely disappointing if it were not.

    This is the funniest post I’ve ever been priviledged to read!

  5. blodeuedd – The “may not fit” always makes me giggle. Always.

    Deanna – Yes. Manly men. Very nice. lol

    Christi – I actually did some research for this post! LOL I Googled “penis slang”. You would be amazed at what came up. (Tee Hee…what came up…;))

    Dot – It would be sort of sad, eh? Thanks Dot! 🙂

  6. Jennifer E says:

    Well we want our man to have a big wedding tackle package in our fantasy mind. Why are all the men circumcised in these books? I’m not complaining it’s just that if I found myself in bed with a man that had a Johnson the size of my arm, I would run screaming the other way. I enjoyed your post.

  7. I can’t help but feel that I’m what inspired Julie to write this post. 🙂

  8. ClaudiaGC says:

    If I would ever read a romance novel where the hero “unpacks his average manhood” I think I would probably not finish reading it! lol I don’t know why most of us are so enamored by big “packages” but most men are very fascinated by big breasts. So, the mysteries of life! 😉

  9. *shakes head* at Stanley/Jason man has issues 😉 so Julie if he inspired this post how did you get pregnant with his tiny teeny wang 😀

    OMG I remember this post! Which means I’ve been stalking following you since last June! Which I never realised. Awwwwww.
    My answer 😀 never mind the idea of a teeny, tiny wang but so much of the emotional and fun-ness of the book would be gone if there wasn’t any sex! Never mind if he had the smallest dick in the world. You never get that kind of romance in real life right? So why not get it from a book that’s full of make believe so clearly if it’s all fantasy they have to make the guys junk part of the fantasy too!
    Oh fun post 😀

  10. Jennifer – “a big wedding tackle package” LMAO! You are too funny!

    Stanley – Have you read the post? 😉

    Claudia – “If I would ever read a romance novel where the hero “unpacks his average manhood” I think I would probably not finish reading it!” LMAO! And you are so right about the boob thing! I hadn’t considered that…

    Ally – LOL! Poor Jason. Maybe it’s what they say “it’s not the size, it’s how it’s used”. 😉 And you are right – fantasy all the way!

  11. LOLing too hard!!! What was the question? oh yes, I remember now! It’s the fantasy of it! We all think that the hot guy has to be perfect in every way, up and down, etc… if he’s not, then what’s the point???
    Awesome post! TFS!
    margie

  12. So funny! I had to re-read the post to my guy after he was wondering why I was laughing so hard.

    I have no idea why the author always feels the need to make the guys package indescribably gigantic (although, they DO describe it). I always love it when the heroine gasps and is so very concerned that the part in question might not actually fit into her corresponding part. Even though it ALWAYS fits. 🙂

    The only thing that really drives me crazy about the steamy bits is when your all into it and the name used is “his/her sex”… it’s like… really? Some how that is not as steamy as some other names we have running through our heads. I think you compiled quite a nice list!

    Thanks for a great post!

  13. Oh Julie, you should write a warning at the beginning of your post. “Do not drink or eat while reading this post” or something like this. You can save lives with that or at least you could have saved my screen. This post is hilarious! OMG I don’t remember laughing so much while reading something. I loved it!!

    Why do I think it’s always so big? Is it better to have more than less? I really don’t know, but sometimes when the author describes a “turgid length” of humongous proportions I feel bad for the heroine’s coochie… big is ok but too big… auch… no thank you!

    Great post!

  14. margie – “if he’s not, then what’s the point???” LOL Very true!

    Nina – I agree that some of the names mentioned in book sometimes take away from the scene. Especially in erotica books. It’s almost as though some authors are just trying to use certain words just to show you they know them. LOL

    BookaholicCat – I’m with you about feeling bad for the heroine. Especially when it’s a scene with 3 guys and one girl and they are all huge and they MUST have sex for hours and hours and every day all the time. 😉

  15. Totally loved this post. Died laughing.

    And you want an answer to the question….. *blushes* Haha.

    My answer….. It’s always soo big, cuz what woman wouldn’t be disappointed if it was small. Authors want us to read their books, so to keep our imaginations running wild, the bigger it is the better. I mean, unless we’re talking ridiculously Guinness World Records huge, we can stretch a little to make it fit, right? The tighter the fit, the more you feel like the characters are really perfect for each other. At least that’s my opinion.

    Now I’m off to take a cold shower. Haha.

  16. That was hilarious. I wish I had answer to your question. I guess they equate big dick with being super-manly.

    Twinkie –love it.

    Jen at Red Hot Books

  17. Julie Witt says:

    Well, I guess it’s always big because if you were reading along, using your imagination, getting into the fantasy, and then they said, “she looked upon his member and it was so tiny she wondered if it would stay in at all,” we might feel a tad cheated (as would the heroine, no doubt)? Or if they did say that, instead of fantasizing about an unknown god-like man-creature, we would all go, “Oh, well,” and think about the man in our life … I don’t know … just saying!
    jwitt33 at live dot com

  18. Barbara Elness says:

    Great post, I loved it. My guess as to why it’s always so big is that the idea of a small wang is not all that sexy or manly. Women want to fantasize about a man’s part that they feel they would enjoy, and a teeny, tiny one just won’t do.

    Barbed1951 at aol dot com

  19. Julie, I just peed my pants a little. You had me a “super mario bros boxer shorts”

    …truth be told, you had me waaaay before then. 😉

    Your sense of humor is just one of the reasons I <3 U

  20. “No, it was like holding a child’s thumb!”

    A TAD Disappointing?!? Just a tad? I’d say it was a reason to rethink the whole thing :D. This whole post made me laugh a lot. As for the question: in the land of fiction all hot men are hung. It’s just a fact.

  21. Alyssa – “Now I’m off to take a cold shower.” LMAO!

    Jen – And we do love our manly-men… 😉

    Julie – “she looked upon his member and it was so tiny she wondered if it would stay in at all” THAT is funny!

    Barabara – I agree. Part of reading, anything really, but especially romance is using our imagination to create the perfect character. Why not be perfect ‘there’ to? 😉

    Jess – Aw, that’s Jess. I <3 you too!

    Em - Yes, just a tad. *g* 😉

  22. I’ve read actual books where the author has referred to it as purple helmeted. Luckily the rest was better. Poor men when they read these books, no wonder they have a size hang up despite us saying the size doesn’t matter (within reason) it’s what you do with it.

    These books are fantasy and I guess we all fantasize about big twinkies.

  23. OMG! I’m laughing so hard my relatives are afraid I might have a fit. That has got to be the best post I have ever read about romance hero’s privates!!! LMAO
    Thank you for your generous giveaway!
    kah_cherub at hotmail dot com

  24. Why? Why not? 😉
    Great post!!!

  25. OMG! Too funny lap rocket I love it! I think you included every variation to describe it.

    As to why always so big? Maybe the heroine (or author) is looking at the love muscle through those glasses that come with the warning…objects may appear larger than they really are. I’ve read a lot of books in my life and I can’t remember ever coming across one that wasn’t of significant proportions.

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