Jul 14, 2011

Posted by in Guest Posts | 16 Comments

Guest Post – You Can’t Possibly Be Serious?!?

Greetings book people.  It is I, Stanley Dimitrious here to share with you another observation that I’ve made over the past few months while smiling and nodding to Julie’s wide eyed tales from the many books she has read.  This post would have been so much better had I not discovered that humming the meow mix commercial jingle in my head while Julie went on and on about so and so and this and that…  Ugh…what was I thinking putting hungry kittens in my head???  For this, I apologize but I am not without good content and let me tell you, this has been bugging me for the longest time.

Sex is fun.  Without a doubt.  Except for those times at 4:00am when you’re horny and think it would be romantic to wake your spouse with a little Harry Potter role playing.  Let’s just say that “Find the Slytherin” would have been more fun on her terms.  But that’s just the thing.  Here I am trying to be adventurous and am met with flurry of fists and blankets and a few “F” bombs for good measure.  Guess I should just play it cool and toss a few flower petals on the bed for next time.  Then I hear about this sex scene in the book she’s reading.  There’s biting, a body slam into a bale of hay and a broken lantern that nearly burns down the barn in the process.

Um… ok?  I’m pretty sure that my little game of “Under the Covers Quidditch” was a little tamer then a ploughing next to a few horses.  So the burning question (hah pun!) is why do readers love these crazy sex scenes and yet scoff at our futile attempts at bedroom creativity? Here are my findings…

Living in the country, there are a lot of farms.  One night I convinced Julie to sneak out for a little fun at said farm.  Getting cozy in a bale of hay was horrific.  Hay is like a whole bunch of little swords picking at your nether regions.  There was the smell too.  Hard to stay hard when all you can smell is shit.  That and animals tend to stare at you when you are around them.  I don’t want an audience unless it’s Anne Hathaway and Scarlet Johansen…naked…offering me candy apples…  Too much?  Um… Let’s just say that the idea of setting the place on fire was good as I would never have to go there again but the thought of burning shit was enough to turtle shell me for the remainder of the week.

Reality 1 / Books 0

Then there was this sex scene that happens on the ceiling.  I forget the book name but Julie went on and on about that one.  How the heck is that hot?   Heat does rise so I guess scientifically it was hot but really?  So I put this one to the test as well.  I installed a series of hooks and ropes in the bedroom as a surprise one day and after a few knots was able to suspend Julie nicely on the ceiling.  Then I tried to get up there…  The contractor estimated the roof damage at around $5000.  I told the insurance company that a raccoon the size of a teenager came crashing down and caused the hole.  Perhaps my credibility was shot as my hair was covered in sawdust and bits of insulation and said mutant raccoon was nowhere to be seen.  I told Julie that she should start saving up for that anti-gravity machine she always wanted and she stormed out of the room.

Reality 2 / Books 0

To make matters worse there are these scenes where there is sex happing in the bathroom.  Last I checked the bathroom was for pooping.  So there’s this scene where someone is pinned to the sink and is just getting pounded.  It’s just so ridiculous but eh, if it makes her happy right?  So I have the brilliant idea of ambushing Julie in the bathroom for a little Dom/Sub action.  Things look promising until I put one foot into the potty that was hiding around the corner.  The feeling of warm mud oozing between my toes…  It was like I was in one of those German fetish movies.  If there would have been a safe word it would have been” OMFG!!!”  Bathroom sex has never been discussed since.

Reality 3 / Books 0

So it’s a few days later and I know that Julie is feeling sorry for me.  Or feeling like I’m an idiot for trying all these dumb things.  Never the less, I roll up beside in the bed and give her a big hug.  It all becomes clear to me now.  She reads about the impossible because it is the ultimate turn on.  Honestly, I’m still thinking of a body rub from Anne and Scarlet.  I know it won’t happen but it’s the idea that makes me bonkers.  Amazing how an idea penned onto paper can make your temperature rise and put a smile on your face from ear to ear.  So I turn to Julie and ask: “Do you want to play hide the Snitch”?  She turns to me and smiles and well… I think you know how that story ends.

Reality 3 / Books 1

  1. Lol, awesome post. Just awesome

    I told the insurance company that a raccoon the size of a teenager came crashing down and caused the hole.

    Haha. Good one. And yes the bathroom is for pooping..well at least everything except the shower area.

  2. MichelleKCanada says:

    Excellent post and I was grinning the entire time reading it. I love the ambition hee hee

    Yesh some of those books do offer outrageous scenes. The ones that always get me are the front seat sex…on the drivers side…in a sports car. I think you should try that and let us how it goes. 🙂

    MichelleKCanada
    Another Look Book Reviews

  3. LOL, fun post! There have been several times where I’m reading and a “sexy” scene will happen and I’ll think, “that’s good in theory but…I don’t think so!”

  4. So freaking hilarious!

  5. As always Stanley Dimitrious “nailed” with his post… LOL
    I didn’t know you were such a fan of Quidditch.
    Kudos to Stanley Dimitrious for his creativity, originality and good intentions 🙂

  6. LMAO! I serioulsy laughed the entire post. Man that was funny! Great post Mr. Stanley Dimitrious, I always know I’ll be laughing the entire way through the posts. Oh, maybe you two could try the bathroom thing but seriously…shut the toliet lid next time! 😛 😉 😀 Thanks for another great post and I’ll be looking out for your next Guest Post.

  7. Jennifer E says:

    That was an awesome post! When I hear the word Slytherin my mind will now hit the gutter. I’m reading a book now where the couple is having sex in the desert where the temp is 114. Really?…. Really?

  8. SO.FUNNY. Awesome post. For the record I hate raccoons. The scare the crap out me.

  9. Under the Covers Quidditch

    *snort* This is the funniest thing I’ve read all day. Thank you for the afternoon laugh!

  10. Awesome, hilarious post!! LOL

  11. LOL @ the ceiling one….ull never get us to believe u got sweet little innocent Julie up there!!

  12. You’re awesome! At least your willing to please. Lol

  13. Love it! I think hay is as bad as sand – it get’s everywhere!
    Julie, I think Stan is a keeper 🙂

    Shelleyrae @ Book’d Out
    http://www.bookdout.wordpress.com

  14. blodeuedd – Yes Stanley. The shower may be a better idea next time. Oh, but wait. It’s too tiny for the both of us! LOL

    Michelle – Front seat drivers side sex…I know, right? What is that all about?! LOL

    Patti – Exactly! Reading about it is one thing. But doing it for real…it would just ruin the magic. 😉

    Sara – He can be pretty funny sometimes. lol

    Bookaholic Cat – “As always Stanley Dimitrious “nailed” with his post…” LMAO!!!

    Deanna – Ew! I know, right? 😉

    Jennifer – I may just break out with a case of the giggles when I go see the new Harry Potter movie this weekend. *g*

    Nina – Raccoons? Really? Interesting…

    Jen – You should ask your boyfriend if he wants to play with you. See what he says. LOL

    Holly – He is a funny guy. 🙂

    Sharon – Yes…that is right. I am all sweet and innocent. *bats eyelashes*

    Skye – A little too much sometimes. 😉

    Shelleyrae – I think he’s a keeper too. 😉

  15. LMAO!! Thanks for the fun post!! What a great guy!

  16. Awesome website you have here but I was curious if you knew of any user discussion forums that cover the same topics discussed
    here? I’d really love to be a part of group where I can get advice from other experienced people
    that share the same interest. If you have any recommendations, please
    let me know. Kudos!

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